Blog # 6 Draft of Essay 1

So here is my draft of my essay. It comes out to five pages double space. well here it is....


Sitting in the back is a little shy girl who just wants to get away. She doesn’t want to be here. She would rather be alone in her room with her books and stuffed animals. It is where she feels safe and free from worries. Unfortunately, the dream of staying home curled up with a book in the comfort of her room is just a dream. She could not stay home from school; she was forced to go. This little shy girl in the back of the classroom is scared.


Growing up, standing up for myself was hard. I was such a shy person, and therefore I was stuck in my own shell. I wanted desperately to break this shell and get out but I was afraid. Kids would tease me causing me to have low self-esteem. I didn’t understand why, I mean I have two legs, two arms, hands, feet, two eyes, two ears, a nose, and a mouth. Were they jealous of what I had? What did I have? In high school I wasn’t part of the popular crowd. I didn’t have the brand new car, designer bags, or designer clothes. I wore braces and glasses, which didn’t really make me the prettiest girl in school.


It was the first period of the day. The first class of the day always drags on because I am not fully awake. I can’t sit still nor concentrate. It doesn’t help that the class is a math class. Its not PreCalculus or Calculus but HSPA Math. I didn’t pass the Math part of the HSPA test; therefore I had to take this class to help me prepare for the second time I take it. It’s very hard to concentrate when people are constantly walking around the room monitoring the students. After class I got up from my desk, gathered my books and notebooks and headed for my locker. My locker was on the second floor, and being in a crowded school it is not that easy to get there. As I’m in the hallway walking to the end of the corridor I stop and look around. Theres a huge crowd of students everywhere. Some are yelling, laughing, and even screaming. I can’t deal with this crap, I have to get to my locker. I reach the bottom of the stairs and feel my heart beating quickly. I tell myself to relax and just get to my locker and get the books I need for my next class. I finally reach my locker and begin to turn the lock. I spin it once to the right and then around once and then to the left and pull. It didn’t open and the bell is about to ring. My teacher doesn’t tolerate lateness. I try my combination again. I know the numbers but why isn’t it working? I try one last time and I finally opened my locker. I put books on the left side and searched for my blue notebook and textbook. Good I didn’t leave them home. I shut my locker turn the lock and quickly walked to class.


Sitting in my desk in the back of the classroom, I found myself shaking and turning beat red like a tomato. I wish I could just relax but I could never be calm and relaxed. Still can’t today because I am always worried or thinking about something. My English teacher is reviewing the text from the previous class. She is reviewing the vocabulary words. It feels like she is spelling out the vocabulary words including the dash and then spelling out the definition because this seems to be taking forever. I really wish we could move on. The student next to me is busy playing with her phone while the student in front of this student is busy drawing hearts with the words “ I Love Bobby” in bubbly pink letters. In addition, the student in front of me insists on clicking his pen and tapping his foot. Boy I just wish I could take his pen right now and throw it because the constant click click click click click is driving me insane. Ok maybe it isn’t so bad but the reason im so anxious is because we have presentations to present today. Im not one to love them in fact I despise them. Presentations are tough because I don’t like standing up in front of the classroom and having 25 pairs of eyes on me, just watching, praying that I fumble a word here or there, hoping to laugh at me and point the finger with the hahahahaha your presentation stinks. Exaggerating or not I really don’t want to do this!


The classroom door looks great because the stairs are right there. I could just get up, walk out, and run down the stairs, out the door to my car and be free. But then what’s the point? If I get up everyone will see me, which would just make matters worse.


Great just great, I lost focus on my paper. I have to read this paper out loud at the front of the classroom. I really don’t want to present. Man I feel dizzy right now. Why is the room spinning? My palms are starting to become all sweaty and I swear my heart is going to pop out of my chest right about now. I can feel my face burning up and im anxiously moving about in my seat.


The teacher stands up in front of the room and begins to speak.“ Class we are going to begin our presentations today. On the scoring sheet I will rate your papers on a scale and then I will add additional comments after. I will try and give the grades back to you tomorrow or the day after. Lets begin. Any volunteers?”


This is it, like mom always said volunteer and go first and get it over with. I swear I heard two pins drop because no one is making a sound or moving. Do I do it? Or do I wait. Oh what the heck just go, and so I could sit back and watch the others. If I go now I can sit and watch twenty- four other students go. BAM! My hand shoots up. I must get this over with I must go now. If I don’t I feel worse as the presentations go on. Please call on me please call on me. I must go first I have to! Any volunteers? Oh perfect go ahead……


My two legs feel like jello as im walking up to the front of the classroom ready to present. I can’t even tell you how many different thoughts are going through my head right now. I don’t want to mess this up and I also don’t want to be up here forever reading about some topic im not to interested in. It is bad enough the paper is flimsy, and I hope I don’t drop it. Why is that they always say take a deep breath before you talk? It really isn’t easy to do when your heart is beating at fifty miles per hour. I try anyway to ease my nerves so I can just read and go. I know dam well the only person in this room who truly cares is the teacher. The students in the class are day dreaming about other exciting things such as the football game on Friday, lunch, gym, the latest music video from The Backstreet Boys, the new girl’s Mercedes, whose dating who,etc.


I know im nervous but I hope my voice doesn’t give off that perception. I barely make eye contact as im trying to focus on my essay. RING RING RING RING I say to myself,are you kidding me? The classroom phone has to ring now? Oh I wonder whose in trouble now. I pause for a second as the teacher gets up and proceeds to answer the phone. My hands are still shaking. The words on the paper are moving. I can’t go on with this. I just can’t. I want to quit. I want to quit. She informs one of the students that they are being called to the principal’s office, and so they get up and walk out the door. Im so jealous they get to leave I wish I could to, but hey I am almost done and no one has died or gotten hurt yet, I must be doing an ok job. After the teacher sat back down, she adjusted her sweater, picked up her pen and signaled for me to continue. I say five more words and then the principal comes over the loud speaker. "Attention Attention, all faculty, there will be a staff meeting at 2:45 pm today." The phone and loudspeaker are interrupting me and it is bad enough I have to stand up here.


I finally reach the last paragraph. I finish the last sentence and look up and see and hear the applause, and the teacher telling me good job. Thank you for going first. Thank you for going first, thank you for going first, thank you for going first are the words that are stuck in my head. I cannot believe it, I volunteered to go first and I survived. The teacher took notice of that and thanked me for volunteering me to go first. That was the boost of confidence I needed. The recognition of me volunteering to go first. Words cannot explain how I felt as I walked the back of the classroom and sat down. My heart was still beating but this time it was beating because it was over with. I did it. I was acknowledged for going first. I presented. I did it!


The next day, my teacher gave us back the score sheets. At the bottom of the paper, next to the word comments, were the words “That was very good. I appreciate you going first. It took a lot of guts and confidence. Good job!”


Thinking back to this moment, I realized how far I came. I hated getting up in front of the classroom and presenting because I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid that I would be booed and or mess up. I was a shy person afraid to speak. I was afraid to make a sound. I wasn’t popular. I didn’t have the fancy car or the hottest boyfriend. I was into school. My shell was broken. I was a senior sitting in my senior English class about to graduate in a few months. Freedom from highschool. No more cliques. Soon ill be commuting to Kean, college, wow. And I thought high school was a “big people school”. I learned to just volunteer and get it over with. Go first. Stand out. Public speaking? No big deal, can I go now? i am not afraid anymore. I want to present. Now I enjoy being outgoing and talkative. It is more fun and exciting. By being enclosed in a hard shell I missed out, but hey that is why today I am the way I am. I’m sure there are people who would just wish I would stay quiet for a few, but hey thanks to my presentation in English class, senior year of highschool, I have confidence. Confidence is in all of us whether we know it or not. It takes someone to tell us we have it even if it is not directly stated. The days of being a shy little girl are no longer with me, and I wish I could go back and tell that little girl that it is ok one day you will grow up and realize there is no point in being shy for it will get you no where. Hey I do want to become a teacher one day and therefore I will be constantly in the front of the room talking all day. Also not to mention back to school nights, parent teacher conferences, and also faculty meetings. On that note, can I get a cup of coffee and a presentation please?….